Family Planning
by Alice Shade
Summary: Quinn snoops, Daria schemes, Jane laughs, Helen suffers. Quite the usual situation at Morgendorffers abode.


Legal drek: This is fanfiction. All fanfiction clauses apply. No profit can be sought by publishing or perusal of this text.

Family Planning.

Quinn peeked out of bathroom and examined the length of corridor thoroughly. Ensuring that there was noone, indeed, she snuck out of bathroom, clutching a bunch of towels and clothes. Tucked within the bundle was used pregnancy test that she intended to toss out somewhere out of the way. Although it came out negative, redhead was quite assuredly aware of the undue amount of trouble to be heaped on her head by parents, should`ve they ever seen the pregnancy test anywhere near her, much less used one. Especially so, given the real reason for using the test sounded potently ridiculous even to her, at the moment. But then again, Daria had this unique gift of twisting people`s minds around pretty thorougly. Having been on receiving end of Daria`s wit more then once, Quinn knew it`s tremendous power of suggestion - no amount of reasoning could`ve squelched her suggestion barring the factual disproval. Which led to current situation, young teen pondered. Really, how could she let herself be led on so easily? Anonymously impregnated through the fashionable clothes, gawd. How could this idea ever seem like something plausible?

As Quinn passed by Daria`s door, she paused for a second. Daria was obviously home, and she was obviously with someone, since there were two voices engaged in quiet conversation behind the door. Probably the art chick came over for a visit, considered Quinn. Jane, was it? Redhead couldn`t help but stay and listen in for a moment. She almost never caught Daria unaware, and if there was anyone Daria`d open up to, that`d be Jane. They could be discussing something potentially very useful for Quinn, after all.

- ...NNgh... A little lower, please.  
- Like that?  
- MM. Yes. Just like that.  
- Aww, does widdle Dawia likes wwat?  
- ...Jane!... Ach, yesh. Dawia likes.

Quinn`s brow knotted. What were they doing there!? Dashing to her room quickly, she tossed her burden under the bed, and snuck back out, now intent in eavesdropping in earnest. Alas, conversation had tapered out by her return. Curiosity piqued, Quinn crept close to the door, and very slowly and carefully pushed it - just a little bit. She kept pushing until she made a crack wide enough to peek in. Luck was on her side - both Daria and Jane were in her field of view. Even luckier, both had their backs turned to the door, so Quinn could observe unnoticed. Her field of view had been considerably restricted, but that did not detracted from the importance of event. From what she could make out, Jane was sitting on the bed with Daria on her lap, and very-very-very busy molesting Daria. Who did not seem to mind all that much.

Creeping away from the door exceedingly carefully, Quinn almost tumbled down the stairs, catching the bannister in the last second. In the next second, she was downstairs, gesticulating wildly to get Helen`s attention. A quick and silent exchange later, Quinn crept back upstairs, barely holding in decidedly maniacal laughter of delight. In fact, she didn`t manage to held it - but thankfully held off long enough to let it out into her smiley pillow. After all, she did not want to alert Daria - as they said, revenge is a dish best served cold. And that was a mighty nice revenge for twisting her brain around like that. Let her twist mom`s brain for a change, delighted Quinn, twist out of being lesbian, sis.

___

About half-hour later, Jane descended the stairs, followed closely by Daria, who saw her to the door, and waved good bye. This half-hour was on top ten among most nerve-wrecking half-hours on Helen`s top list, as she waited on the couch to confront Daria with newfound knowledge. As Daria began ascent back to her room, Helen made her move. Or rather, said her move.

- Daria?  
- Yes, mom?  
- Come here, please. I have something I need to discuss with you.

Blinking, Daria gauged her mother`s reaction. Something was definitely up, she surmised, as she cautiously made her way to the couch occupied by Helen. No way in hell this legal eagle would`ve switched off her cell phone, if it wasn`t something serious.

- What happened, mom?  
- ...Ahem. Well, uh. Daria, per any chance, do you want to tell me something?  
- Uh. No. Nothing comes to mind. Why, is there something I should`ve told you?  
- I do believe so, Daria. I am your mother, after all. You can trust me with those things.  
- Mom, I`m touched, but I`m still at a loss as to what "things" I should confide to you.  
- Daria... You`re getting older, and things change because of that. I understand that you are confused right now, but trust me to be on your side, no matter what... what do you feel right now.  
- Mom. This is not the birds and bees talk, is it? Because if it is, you`re a mite too late. We`ve already had sex-ed in school... Like, say, three years ago.  
- It`s never too late, Daria. I will love you no matter what, you know.  
- ...You`re starting to weird me out, mom. How about you`ll just say straight what is bothering you so I could get back to watching paint dry in my room?  
- I`m not bothered! I just want to let you know that no matter what kind of decision you take, I will do my best to help and support you.

Folding her arms, Daria sat down. That would be quite emotionally-charged talk for Helen, she surmised, given the amount of weasel-talk and outright inability to say things out straight. That gave her no pleasure, and young cynic was quite certain that it wouldn`t get any better for a while at least. She decided to rough things up to get over the issue as soon as possible.

- Right. Considering your behavior right now, mom, I`m inclined to believe someone certain told you I`ve had sex with someone else. Someone certain is most likely Quinn, but I`m at a loss as to whom she could`ve possibly paired me with. So enlighten me, mom - what is the name of poor sob Quinn pictures as my suitor?

Startled, Helen leaned back, choking back yet another helping of corny pulp at the unexpected reply. Such bluntness was not characteristic for secretive Daria, unless... Unless she was misleading the conversation intentionally. But now the glove was thrown, and Helen could either pick it up or step down. She decided to pick it up.

- Daria! Do you mean to say you had sex as well?  
- ...Oh dear. You`ve started this talk because you were told I`m DATING someone? Come on, mom. I`m not THAT socially challenged.  
- That`s not what I meant to say. You`re quite unique, Daria, and your decisions are just as unique. I will respect whatever choice you`ll make, but you can`t fault me for worrying, honey.  
- ...Ugh. Mom, can you just tell me WHO exactly had been suggested as my romantic partner? You`re going around in circles.  
- Well, you and Jane seem awfully close, and... Don`t get upset, honey, please! I`m only trying to look out for you. If dating Jane is what you want, I`ll give you all my support. Just be honest with me and don`t hide from me. I`m on your side, please remember.  
- ...Ah. So you think me and Jane are dating, do you, mom?  
- ...Nh... Are you?  
- How about we ask Jane about this?

With that, Daria stood up and knocked three times on the door to kitchen. It opened, and Jane stepped in, waving curtly to completely flabbergasted Helen.

- Hey, mrs. Morgendorffer. No, we`re not dating.  
- Does that answer your question, mom?

Gaping and blinking, Helen tried to wrap her mind around the sudden development. Didn`t Jane left before? For crying out loud, she had specifically waited out until Jane would be assuredly out of earshot. What was going on?

Sighing, Daria sat back on the chair, and folded her arms. Jane casually flopped on another chair, stretching out her long legs. After a few moments of silence, Daria began talking.

- Let`s recap, mom. Quinn told you that she witnessed something of supposedly intimate nature between me and Jane, and based on this you`ve assumed romantic relationship between me and Jane. Then you`ve waited out until Jane left and attempted to get me to admit to being in relationship with Jane, so you could help and support me in my decisions. And ensure my decisions are well thought-out. That much is correct?

Unable to say anything coherent, Helen just nodded spastically. Nodding back, Daria continued, her monotone barely masking her displeasure with whole topic now.

- And now, you`re completely baffled by the facts that, primo, Jane is present and secundo, that I`m not reacting in any way you`ve foreseen. Explanation to all of this is simple, mom. Me and Jane had staged the whole event from the very beginning.

Now Helen was beyond surprised. Losing her comprehension of situation completely, her only reaction was croaked - "Why?"

- Why? Because, mom, that kind of conversation was bound to happen sooner or later. With that in mind, I`ve intentionally set up the whole event to occur on my time and on my terms. Now I can settle the matter with you once and for all.

She paused to regain her breath and wipe her glasses clean with napkin. Satisfied, Daria continued her explanation, while her mother was doing her best to come to grips with situation.

- You`ve repeatedly expressed your interest in my dating attempts before, mom. To which you`ve always received truthful answer - I`m not interested in dating at the time. While, as I must again emphase, this is literal truth, your attempts to clarify the "real situation" had gotten quite grating. As we can see, mere suggestion of close contact was enough to suggest relationship to you - despite even the fact me and Jane are of the same sex.

Pausing for a second, she smiled at Jane slightly. Jane returned the smirk and gave her a thumbs up to continue. Which Daria did.

- So, with Jane`s help, I`ve staged this little performance. We`ve intentionally done something that could be interpreted as close contact from eavesdropping vantage point and let Quinn see that so she`d report that to you. I`ve sincerely hoped that you trust me enough to dismiss that. Apparently, not, which is why we`re having this talk right now. And the point of this talk is simple. Mom, I`m NOT dating anyone. I`m not interested in dating anyone. I do not foresee dating anyone in close future, let alone have romantic contact with anyone. Moreover, I do not have issues, nor do I hide things from you. I`m simply annoyed about rampant assumptions on your part.

By that time, Helen had recovered enough of her wits to offer something coherent.

- You staged all of that? Daria! Do you have any idea of how stressful it was?  
- Actually, yes, I do. I feel the same way every time you YET AGAIN attempt to grill me about dating, despite being told repeatedly that I`m not interested at least until college. Or maybe YOU do have something you want to tell me, mom?  
- Wait a second, Daria. I`m supposed to worry about you. That`s what parents do.  
- I don`t have a problem with that. But I DO have a problem when you disregard my answers so you could continue to worry.  
- Come on, Daria. I can`t believe you had never considered dating. It`s unnatural.  
- Considered? Of course I`ve considered it. The problem is that the result of consideration is invariably 'not worth the effort at this time'. If I`ll happen to meet someone I`d want to date, I will notify you of that in most expeditious manner, but so far, I`ve had no romantic attraction towards anyone, and, yet again, I don`t foresee that happening for a while.

Helen opened her mouth to object... And closed it. Then opened it again, hesitated, then sighed, and threw up her hands in a defeat gesture.

- Alright, fine. I got your point, Daria. No more badgering about dating, I promise. Now get out before I`ll change my mind and ground you for messing with my head.  
- Come on, amiga. We`ve been dismissed.

Grinning, Jane stood up, and picked her backpack. Allowing herself a little smirk, Daria stood up as well, and nodded to Helen.

- I`ll be at Jane`s, then. It`s Saturday bad movie night, after all.

With that, both of them walked out. Following them with her eyes, Helen waited till the door closed. Then she stood up, went to the bar, and downed a shot of Jack Daniels abruptly. Rubbing her temples, she muttered - "Someday, she`ll twist my mind straight out of my head... Unless I`ll get her on my legal team first, that is." With that thought, she went back to her briefcase, and rummaged through it until she found Yale promo brochure. Reasoning, that it never hurts to try, she dropped it on the bundle of mail, making sure to put it between two other college promos to ensure it would cross Daria`s deck.

___

Unlocking the door, Jane pushed it open, and theatrically gestured inside, inviting Daria in. Following, artist locked the door behind them, and caught up with auburn-haired cynic by the stairs. Falling in step a bit after her, Jane reached out, and put her hand under Daria`s skirt, giving her buttock a firm grope.

- MMm. Now that we`re no longer in danger of having our casual kinky sex mistaken for dating...


End file.
